Klutzomaniac
by Neocolai
Summary: "What do you mean, not even your parents want you?" Kanan didn't expect the kid to start bawling. "I BREAK EVERYTHING I TOUCH!" Spongebob reference, no seriousness whatsoever….


"Um, Kanan … we may have a problem."

Eight in the morning and Kanan already had a headache. "What is it now, Zeb?"

"Well, I was picking up that shipment you ordered, and I stumbled on this Loth-rat. Now normally I wouldn't be bothered about sending off one of those, but….."

Rolling his eyes, Kanan wiped his hands on a rag and turned to face the ramp. "We don't need pets on the Ghost."

"Well, it's not exactly a pet, see..." Zeb cautiously turned aside, revealing the most pathetic, bug-eyed kid that Kanan had ever seen.

"Are you sure you didn't pick that up in a shop?" Honestly, the kid looked puppy enough.

"Not exactly…" Zeb rubbed his head. "I couldn't send him home, though - his parents didn't want him, and I couldn't leave him to the Imperialists."

Kanan rubbed his forehead, casting a longing glance at the exposed wires he was _supposed_ to be repairing. "What do you mean, not even his parents want him? This is Lothal; they don't kick out their kids."

The kid's lower lip quivered and impossibly blue eyes filled up. Kanan had one moment to regret his entire morning before the kid started bawling.

"I break everything I touch!"

"He's serious," Zeb said quickly. "Here, hold that." He grabbed Kanan's pliers with two fingers and dropped them into the kid's hands.

Instantly the woe begotten face lit up and the kid opened the pliers experimentally … only for the center bolt to clatter onto the floor. Devastated, the kid held up the two ends.

"Don't cry!" Kanan said quickly. He looked behind him, praying for Hera to magically appear. When no miraculous Twi'lek came to his aid, he groaned and moved the toolbox _far_ out of reach. "Zeb, why did you bring him here?"

"I couldn't let him become trooper munch!" Zeb protested. "Half the town begged me to take him in!"

Knowing the kid's unusual talents, Kanan had no trouble believing that. "We can't keep him. Take him off board and close the ramp. Whatever you do, don't let –"

"Oh, how cute!"

"Hera!" Kanan gave a manly squeak and jumped in front of her. "Zeb, get him out!" he hissed over his shoulder.

"Kanan, what are you hiding?" Hera raised one eyebrow.

"Hiding? Me? Hera, you know I could never –" He sidestepped when she shifted – "Hide anything –" Expert Jedi twirl to put her back towards the kid – "From you."

"That's funny, cause you seem to be acting rather suspicious right now." Hera jabbed her index finger into Kanan's shoulder, paralyzing him as she turned him around. Any moment she would see the –

"Oh, Zeb. You found a kid!"

Kanan slumped in dismay.

"What's this about a pet?" Sabine asked, sliding down the ladder. Kanan sullenly jabbed his thumb over his shoulder.

The kid was hiding behind Zeb, those illegally pitiful blue eyes already warming the mother heart of the Ghost's pilot. Sabine giggled behind her hands.

"He's adorable! Where did you find him, Zeb?"

"Out in the alleyways. Poor kid was even chased out of the trash heaps. What do you want me to do with him, Hera?"

" _Hera_ , he needs to stay _outside_ ," Kanan hinted.

"Don't you have a spare bunk in your room?" Hera considered. She crouched and held out her hand, which the kid examined uncertainly. "Has he got a name?"

"How about Klutzomaniac," Kanan suggested between his teeth.

"That would make you a bruxomaniac," Hera said smoothly.

"Can we keep him?" Sabine begged.

"Now hold on," Zeb said placidly, using one hand to hold the kid away from Hera. "Before we all get excited, there's something you should know."

"Ooh!" The kid's eyes bugged and he held out his hands, and before the force could scream a warning Kanan's lightsaber flew into deadly fingers. He barely had time to squawk before the chamber split into six parts and the crystal pinged off the floor, bounced into a grate, and plopped into the engine furnace.

"Kanan! Kanan, don't scream," Hera urged, holding her hands over the Jedi's mouth as his face flushed crimson.

"Mm-mm – mmmmmm!" Kanan squeezed his eyes shut, shouting into the hand. Hera winced.

"Uh, the kid has an uncanny skill for breaking everything he touches," Zeb explained.

As though to demonstrate further, Chopper scrutinized the kid and curiously zapped him. There was a flash, a screech, and Chopper reeled away, wires smoking.

"Wow, we should set him on the Imperialists." Sabine marveled.

"That's what I was thinking," Zeb said. "I mean, we could take out Star Destroyers with this kid!"

"No! No, no, no!" Kanan said as soon as his mouth was free. "You are taking him back to the alley where you found him, and we are never returning to this planet."

"That's a little extreme, love," Hera said diplomatically. "We do most of our mission runs here."

Hands shaking, Kanan breathed deeply, caught sight of his decrepit lightsaber, and chomped down a scream.

"Kanan, it's okay," Hera hushed. "We'll keep him in Zeb's room."

"Yeah, cause he can't do any more damage than is already there." Zeb huffed.

"Just imagine, the Empire could be crushed in less than a year!" Sabine added.

"No, no, noooooo," Kanan enunciated.

Hera put on her pouting eyes. Her big, googly, "Don't you love me?" pouting eyes. Those horrible, desolate eyes that made a kicked puppy look like a snarling womp rat.

"All right!" Kanan moaned, covering his eyes in self-defense. "He stays on _your_ side of the ship."

"Thanks, love," Hera said, pecking his cheek. "Come on, kid. Want to see the cockpit?"

"My name's Ezra," the kid said, taking her hand and trailing after her like an adopted tooka. "Ezra Bridger."

"Well, that makes six of us," Sabine said smugly. "All right, who's going to fix the droid?"

Kanan almost begged Sabine to shoot him.

* * *

Klutzomaniac – Invented term for a person who can't stop breaking things. (I couldn't find a word for this.)

Bruxomaniac – Scientific term for a person who can't stop grinding their teeth.


End file.
